The Problem with Sin in Marriage- and how to survive it with a Secure Connection.
We like to think of ourselves as nice people. The truth is that we act nicely sometimes, but deep down and much of the time, we want it our way, often at the expense of others. The Bible says that “all we like sheep have gone astray” (Is. 53:6) and further tells us that the problem began in the Garden. On the sixth day, we find that God formed His masterpiece of creation: Mankind (Man and Woman) who He created - “In His Image” – for relationship (connection) with Him and with each other. Then God established a unique bond, marriage, between the man and woman that He powerfully described as “One Flesh”. (Gen. 2:24).
God knew, however, that the bond that we share with Him and each other cannot be a real relationship without a choice. When He forbade Adam from eating of that tree, the choice was about trusting God. So, when Adam and Eve disobeyed, the bond was broken. Satan said then and still says; “God is lying to you!” That original tear to our bond was vertical between man and God, but there were horizontal consequences to all human relationships, including marriage. Thus, although God created us for connection, we continue to behave in ways that cause disconnection with him and with each other. God later provided a way to reconnect through His Son, Jesus Christ.
Our marriage relationships begin with a mutual promise “To love and to cherish”. This contract creates a mutual expectation to meet each other’s needs- especially our attachment needs (i.e., to be loved, understood, valued). This emotional bond will grow, with trust and time, to replace the parental bond we had as a child that formed our emotional health and expectations.
The problem with sin in marriage is that both spouses will sometimes take care of themselves at the expense of the other. Some spouses are nicer than others, but all of us will fail occasionally. When the other spouse perceives such behavior, it is seen as a breech in the contract, a tear to the bond and an attachment alarm. Instinctively, the offended spouse’s brain does its thing: 1) an alarm goes off and secondary emotions engage (anger, frustrations, etc.), 2) the offended spouse reacts (often in a way that triggers the offending spouse), and 3) the destructive cycle that we call the “Demon Dialogue” begins.
Our instincts and reflexes are often helpful and protective, but not always. Sometimes, what our brain senses as a threat is either exaggerated or entirely benign. Even with a false alarm, however, the offended spouse’s reaction can trigger an alarm in the alleged offender’s brain that is perceived as a threat and thus -- the Demon Dialogue ensues. Our mutually aroused secondary emotions fuel the cycle which will repeat itself until secondary emotions are regulated.
The problem of Sin in marriage is not only that it triggers disconnection, but Sin also reproduces itself in our reactions to it. These reflexive secondary emotions enhance and sustain our disconnection. Our Demon Dialogue is therefore “Sin for Sin, Again and Again”. However, our protective reflexes and the secondary emotions that come with them may be instinctive but are not inevitable. When we intentionally and/or negligently continue to participate in our destructive Demon Dialogue, doing so is sinful behavior. Through prayer and help from the Holy Spirit, we can learn not to react in anger or frustration and learn how to seek peace instead.
Our challenge to defeat the Demon Dialogue is choosing to break the cycle by de-escalating (regulating/ co-regulating) our secondary emotions so that we can calmly explore all the threats and / or perceived threats together. In these “connecting conversations” we will access primary (softer) emotions and needs. Co-regulating our secondary emotions (de-escalating) will allow both spouses to explore, self-evaluate, empathize and, when appropriate, apologize to one another. Sharing our softer emotions and needs can also make mutual validation and forgiveness possible. These vulnerable and emotionally responsive behaviors are essential to reconnection but are suppressed by secondary emotions. By prayerfully choosing to engage in these “connecting conversations” we can consolidate what we have learned from each disconnection and thereby stimulate healing, enhance understanding, build trust, and strengthen and secure our connection.
- Pete and Dee Adams
